Rejuvenation & Confession

 So, I'm feeling rejuvenated for this blog.... as you can see, I haven't written since April.  That's a pretty lame way to blog. Once every few months?  Unacceptable.  And a lot has happened in those months.  My husband left his job and decided to go back to school.  He is now home with our daughter full time, until classes start at the end of the month.  I'm extremely proud of him but know he struggles with feeling like he isn't "providing" for his family.  His father was pretty absent in his life, and his family struggled financially because of this.  He doesn't want that to happen to us, or our daughter...who shall henceforth be known as BB (short for her nickname).  Moving on....

I was recently doing some poly research and found another blog, written by a quad, starting in 2006.  I'm fascinated.  The quad was also two married couples.  The wives were best friends for years when they realized that they were in love with each other and quickly managed to incorporate their husbands and children into one big happy poly household.... I love that all 4 of them occasionally blog, though it's primarily the two women.  It amazes me that members of their quad have felt and experienced a lot of what members of our quad are experiencing now.  We struggle....this isn't easy.  We've all had our moments containing irrational, illogical, jealous, possessive, resentful feelings.  Sometimes those feelings are expressed outright to other members of the quad, sometimes we attempt to keep them to ourselves (usually unsuccessfully since none of us are too skilled at hiding our feelings).  


Recently, I've been having some issues with my self-esteem.  This has most definitely affected the quad as a whole since I'm feeling more needy and wanting more affirmations from people.  I often come across as cocky and confident.  Often I am cocky and confident.  However, that is usually a clever ruse for my insecurities.  I have struggled with eating disorders since I was about 14 and had a current bout of anorexia within the last year an a half.  I lost a LOT of weight, and still look in the mirror and see no change.  I know based upon the scale and my clothes that I'm considerably smaller but in my mind there's not much different.  However, since I know that I'm about "average" now based on my weight, clothing, etc.  I have decided that self-deprecation is important enough for me to focus on OTHER problems!  Yay!  So now, I am obsessed with my facial features and my oncoming wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc. etc. etc.   This makes me really unhappy with myself...

I was raised a feminist. I've always been one and always will be one.  My mother is a feminist, and though she seems to get more conservative with age, we were never taught to believe that a woman's worth was based on her looks.  I have 3 sisters and no brothers.  Our father was involved with all of our sports teams (he coached our summer softball for probably 10 years) and then coached from the sidelines when we played in middle and high school.  We were expected to get good grades and there was never a question if any of us would go to college....we just would.  My father has a PhD and my mother has a Master's degree.  No one in my extended family didn't go to college and probably half of my cousins/aunts/uncles have graduate degrees.  We weren't taught how to put on makeup, do our hair, wear pretty dresses, etc.  When I went to college, I took a lot of women's studies classes, came out as bisexual, cut off all my hair and learned a lot about the struggles and inequalities women face in our society..... My point is, even with all this insight, the reflection and my positive role models, I still ended up starving myself to be thin.  I've done it off and on for 15 years and  I fucking know better. 

Recently my bf asked me why I was struggling with my self-esteem lately and I didn't really have an answer....I just know that I am.  I have two amazing men and one amazing woman who all love me.... You're lucky if you can get one person to love you the way they love me, and I have THREE!  There must be something good about me... yet right now, I'm struggling to see it.  

Huh, I didn't mean for this post to be about this... I was hoping to talk all about the awesomeness of our quad and being excited that we're doing family portraits this Saturday and will have professional pictures of ALL 6 of us!  But, I guess this stuff is on my mind and the blog is a good outlet for that.  

P.S. I'm at work.  I've been blogging for a half hour instead of working.  Hopefully I'll come back at lunch and finish.......if I don't get sucked into that other quad blog!  :-)  Happy Wednesday! 

-Amy