Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Update
So, an update on the job situation. Cheesemeister ended up rescinding his acceptance of the job after talking with me Monday night. He wasn't happy about it and stated that we'd be going into debt every month without him bringing in an income, which is probably true. However, all in all, it was bringing in money or being there for everyone. I felt that being there was more important and made it known that that's how I felt. I encouraged him to see if they'd let him work part time, or ask for day shifts on the days he didn't have classes, but to him, life is black and white. You take it or you don't. He didn't want to take it, have it not work out and then leave because that's really not his personality. So he is upset about it and I'm feeling guilty and crappy about it. But, it was a lose-lose situation, and I think everyone was going to feel pretty unhappy no matter what happened.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
What to do....
I don't know what to do. Cheesemeister (CM) got a job offer, I should be happy, right? Well, he accepted without discussing it with me (or Kelley). He has already enrolled in school full time to start tomorrow, and the job is working from 3pm - 11 pm and about an hour away from our house. So, he will never see me during the week, and I will have to get up, take BB to daycare, go to work, leave work before we close every day to pick BB up, take her home, feed her dinner, give her her bath, and put her to bed every night by myself. In addition, CM will be leaving the house at 7 am and not getting home until almost Midnight on the days he has classes. He's making a lot less money than his last job, gets no benefits, and will be spending 2 hrs a day in the car. And those are just the things that won't directly benefit our relationship with Kelley & J. Because since we won't see each other during the week, we're going to want to spend our weekends together and right now the weekends are basically our only time with them. So he's asking me to give up: him, my freedom, my parenting help, my GF and my BF. I am absolutely miserable just THINKING about this, so I know once it comes to reality, I'm going to be so unbelievably frustrated and resentful that I don't even know what to do. Kelley and J have reacted how I thought they would. "We are scared we'll never see you and things will dissolve, but we want you happy and we will support you in whatever you do and do whatever we can to be there for you." I feel so unbelievably lucky to have them... but this could be the path to losing them and I can't bear it. I know CM thinks he's doing what is best because he will be bringing in income and right now he isn't...but isn't a happy family more important than money?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Swap switch-up
As I said in a previous post, usually Thursday is swap night. Kelley goes to my house and I go to hers. We live about an hour away from each other, so it gives us a little extra time with the guys. Normally the kids stay put in their own houses. This week, however, Kelley had an appointment early Friday morning, so we switched swap to Wednesday night and had the guys drive. In addition, Cheesemeister decided to take BB with him over to Kelley's because the girls hadn't seen each other in a long time. That left me and J with a night alone, which is a rare and wonderful occurrence. I do feel bad for Kelley and Cheesemeister, dealing with the kids, but we'll take our turn soon enough so they can have the luxury as well.... :-)
J and I both tend to lean towards being night people, so we usually stay up pretty late when we're together. The other night, at 1 am, after the consumption of two pieces of chocolate and coconut cream pie (YUM!), J decides to go look at the interwebz and watch several "literal videos," this being one of the best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA . So we stayed up and watched several of those before I either had a sugar crash (you know, from the pie) or I just really wanted to sleep.
Thursday morning, I got up and didn't shower, brush my hair or put on makeup....I threw my hair in a pony tail and went to work. The going part was hard, as it is every time we have to leave Kelley or J or they have to leave us. I wish circumstances were different and we didn't live so far away. We all want to live together....the economy and the values of homes in Michigan right now make that impossible for responsible people, which we all are. Our house has fallen in value by 30% in two years... We owe much more on it then it's worth right now. Kelley and J bought their house several years ago, but would most likely be in the same situation. So, we're stuck. Stuck driving an hour back and forth to see each other.
We spend most weekends together, which is great, but also makes things hard on a couple levels. For one, that leaves little weekend quality time (QT) with spouses since we tend to sleep with our BF/GF's when we're all together. So spouses get the weekday nights when everyone is tired and grumpy from a full day at work. It also leaves almost no time for the home-owner necessities like mowing, cleaning, organizing, laundry, yard work, etc. etc. We've tried to spend some time on these things at whichever house we're at, but we usually have so much stuff planned and want to have fun, not do work.
So, that's just another challenge to non-cohabitating poly life. It is a struggle on many levels... but as we've discussed many times, the benefits of this completely outweigh the challenges... and I'll take a dirty house and too-tall grass any day to get to spend time with my loves...
Thursday, June 24, 2010
On Being "Out"
I've been trying to decide in which direction to take this blog... Do I talk about the day to day logistics of being in a quad relationship? Do I talk about the emotional ups and downs? Do I talk about my hopes, desires, fantasies...? What I've come up with is that I'm not going to have a direction.... Kelley may decide that she is going to use the blog to do one or all of the above mentioned things... that's up to her. For me, I guess you'll just get to read whatever is on my mind at the moment... hold on, because I have some major ADHD and my mind hops around A LOT. :-) In fact, as I write this, my mind has already been like, "I want to blog about this! No, I want to blog about that! Ooooh, how about this!!!" So I'm going to start a list of things I want to blog about. Today, i will focus on the idea of being out....
Kelley and I will need to talk about how much we share on here too. Since we're currently using our real names (though first names only), if someone we knew happened upon this blog, it could be a bad thing. We're not totally out. None of our parents know, and few business associates know. I'm lucky because I am a social worker in HIV/AIDS and my coworkers tend to be much more open-minded about alternative families. I am out to most people at work... Kelley works for corporate America, Cheesemeister (as I've decided to call my husband; Kelley's husband is yet to be named, so I'll call him J until we come up with something better) , as I said yesterday, recently left his job so there are no worries there. J works for a large company, which shall go unnamed...but he deals with computers and internet security. So right now, I'm the only one out at work. It's nice being out at work. I have pictures of my whole family up on the wall in my office and can openly talk about Kelley & J without anyone going, "Just who are these people, and why does she talk about them so much!?!" A couple of my coworkers are also good friends, and get an earful of TMI when it comes to Kelley & J. I am the queen of TMI, but hey, it's part of my charm ;-)
So I think we've all been struggling with wanting to tell our parents. None of us have yet. I have 3 sisters, 2 of whom know about Kelley & J. My one sister is very religious (we'll call her "C"). Her husband and she have two children who are 8 and 6. I will probably not tell them until absolutely necessary (like, when we all move in together), but I know she is suspicious... Recently, we had a dinner for Father's Day with my parents, sisters and their families. Kelley & J were supposed to be with us that weekend, so I told my family that we'd come, if we could bring them along. Everyone said, "Sure! The more the merrier!" and then, I get an email from C saying something like, "I really like K&J, and have no problem with them coming, but why are they coming? I just think it's kind of weird." She has made other comments about the fact that we hang out every weekend with them and finds it odd... so I think she is on to us.... and I guess if she ever asks point blank, I will tell her. But for now, I am hesitant about how she's going to react with respect to the kids-both hers and ours.
It's great that I am able to talk openly about the situation with my other two sisters, S & A. S is married and the oldest, has been my closest sister and loves Kelley & J. :) A is the youngest and she's a bit of a bitch, but she is supportive and also loves them. I am very close with my family and my parents, so it is kind of hard keeping this from them. I want my parents to know and accept them into our family. My parents are really great about "adopting" our friends, boyfriends, etc. and have already taken to Kelley & J...but not in the way I want them to. My mom asked about our rings a couple weeks ago, and I stumbled all over to avoid the question. Cheesemeister looked at me like, "Really? You think they're going to believe that?" I am a horrible liar, and I don't want to lie about this. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I am so lucky to have what I have and I really want my parents to know. I am going to tell my mom soon, and dad will follow when her and I feel is a good time to tell them. My mom is pretty open and pretty soon, she'll be using a picture of my family to demonstrate "Alternative families" in her class. *lolz*
Well, to work with me.....
p.s. I miss you Kelley.... <3<3<3
Kelley and I will need to talk about how much we share on here too. Since we're currently using our real names (though first names only), if someone we knew happened upon this blog, it could be a bad thing. We're not totally out. None of our parents know, and few business associates know. I'm lucky because I am a social worker in HIV/AIDS and my coworkers tend to be much more open-minded about alternative families. I am out to most people at work... Kelley works for corporate America, Cheesemeister (as I've decided to call my husband; Kelley's husband is yet to be named, so I'll call him J until we come up with something better) , as I said yesterday, recently left his job so there are no worries there. J works for a large company, which shall go unnamed...but he deals with computers and internet security. So right now, I'm the only one out at work. It's nice being out at work. I have pictures of my whole family up on the wall in my office and can openly talk about Kelley & J without anyone going, "Just who are these people, and why does she talk about them so much!?!" A couple of my coworkers are also good friends, and get an earful of TMI when it comes to Kelley & J. I am the queen of TMI, but hey, it's part of my charm ;-)
So I think we've all been struggling with wanting to tell our parents. None of us have yet. I have 3 sisters, 2 of whom know about Kelley & J. My one sister is very religious (we'll call her "C"). Her husband and she have two children who are 8 and 6. I will probably not tell them until absolutely necessary (like, when we all move in together), but I know she is suspicious... Recently, we had a dinner for Father's Day with my parents, sisters and their families. Kelley & J were supposed to be with us that weekend, so I told my family that we'd come, if we could bring them along. Everyone said, "Sure! The more the merrier!" and then, I get an email from C saying something like, "I really like K&J, and have no problem with them coming, but why are they coming? I just think it's kind of weird." She has made other comments about the fact that we hang out every weekend with them and finds it odd... so I think she is on to us.... and I guess if she ever asks point blank, I will tell her. But for now, I am hesitant about how she's going to react with respect to the kids-both hers and ours.
It's great that I am able to talk openly about the situation with my other two sisters, S & A. S is married and the oldest, has been my closest sister and loves Kelley & J. :) A is the youngest and she's a bit of a bitch, but she is supportive and also loves them. I am very close with my family and my parents, so it is kind of hard keeping this from them. I want my parents to know and accept them into our family. My parents are really great about "adopting" our friends, boyfriends, etc. and have already taken to Kelley & J...but not in the way I want them to. My mom asked about our rings a couple weeks ago, and I stumbled all over to avoid the question. Cheesemeister looked at me like, "Really? You think they're going to believe that?" I am a horrible liar, and I don't want to lie about this. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I am so lucky to have what I have and I really want my parents to know. I am going to tell my mom soon, and dad will follow when her and I feel is a good time to tell them. My mom is pretty open and pretty soon, she'll be using a picture of my family to demonstrate "Alternative families" in her class. *lolz*
Well, to work with me.....
p.s. I miss you Kelley.... <3<3<3
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Rejuvenation & Confession
So, I'm feeling rejuvenated for this blog.... as you can see, I haven't written since April. That's a pretty lame way to blog. Once every few months? Unacceptable. And a lot has happened in those months. My husband left his job and decided to go back to school. He is now home with our daughter full time, until classes start at the end of the month. I'm extremely proud of him but know he struggles with feeling like he isn't "providing" for his family. His father was pretty absent in his life, and his family struggled financially because of this. He doesn't want that to happen to us, or our daughter...who shall henceforth be known as BB (short for her nickname). Moving on....
I was recently doing some poly research and found another blog, written by a quad, starting in 2006. I'm fascinated. The quad was also two married couples. The wives were best friends for years when they realized that they were in love with each other and quickly managed to incorporate their husbands and children into one big happy poly household.... I love that all 4 of them occasionally blog, though it's primarily the two women. It amazes me that members of their quad have felt and experienced a lot of what members of our quad are experiencing now. We struggle....this isn't easy. We've all had our moments containing irrational, illogical, jealous, possessive, resentful feelings. Sometimes those feelings are expressed outright to other members of the quad, sometimes we attempt to keep them to ourselves (usually unsuccessfully since none of us are too skilled at hiding our feelings).
Recently, I've been having some issues with my self-esteem. This has most definitely affected the quad as a whole since I'm feeling more needy and wanting more affirmations from people. I often come across as cocky and confident. Often I am cocky and confident. However, that is usually a clever ruse for my insecurities. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was about 14 and had a current bout of anorexia within the last year an a half. I lost a LOT of weight, and still look in the mirror and see no change. I know based upon the scale and my clothes that I'm considerably smaller but in my mind there's not much different. However, since I know that I'm about "average" now based on my weight, clothing, etc. I have decided that self-deprecation is important enough for me to focus on OTHER problems! Yay! So now, I am obsessed with my facial features and my oncoming wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc. etc. etc. This makes me really unhappy with myself...
I was raised a feminist. I've always been one and always will be one. My mother is a feminist, and though she seems to get more conservative with age, we were never taught to believe that a woman's worth was based on her looks. I have 3 sisters and no brothers. Our father was involved with all of our sports teams (he coached our summer softball for probably 10 years) and then coached from the sidelines when we played in middle and high school. We were expected to get good grades and there was never a question if any of us would go to college....we just would. My father has a PhD and my mother has a Master's degree. No one in my extended family didn't go to college and probably half of my cousins/aunts/uncles have graduate degrees. We weren't taught how to put on makeup, do our hair, wear pretty dresses, etc. When I went to college, I took a lot of women's studies classes, came out as bisexual, cut off all my hair and learned a lot about the struggles and inequalities women face in our society..... My point is, even with all this insight, the reflection and my positive role models, I still ended up starving myself to be thin. I've done it off and on for 15 years and I fucking know better.
Recently my bf asked me why I was struggling with my self-esteem lately and I didn't really have an answer....I just know that I am. I have two amazing men and one amazing woman who all love me.... You're lucky if you can get one person to love you the way they love me, and I have THREE! There must be something good about me... yet right now, I'm struggling to see it.
Huh, I didn't mean for this post to be about this... I was hoping to talk all about the awesomeness of our quad and being excited that we're doing family portraits this Saturday and will have professional pictures of ALL 6 of us! But, I guess this stuff is on my mind and the blog is a good outlet for that.
P.S. I'm at work. I've been blogging for a half hour instead of working. Hopefully I'll come back at lunch and finish.......if I don't get sucked into that other quad blog! :-) Happy Wednesday!
-Amy
I was recently doing some poly research and found another blog, written by a quad, starting in 2006. I'm fascinated. The quad was also two married couples. The wives were best friends for years when they realized that they were in love with each other and quickly managed to incorporate their husbands and children into one big happy poly household.... I love that all 4 of them occasionally blog, though it's primarily the two women. It amazes me that members of their quad have felt and experienced a lot of what members of our quad are experiencing now. We struggle....this isn't easy. We've all had our moments containing irrational, illogical, jealous, possessive, resentful feelings. Sometimes those feelings are expressed outright to other members of the quad, sometimes we attempt to keep them to ourselves (usually unsuccessfully since none of us are too skilled at hiding our feelings).
Recently, I've been having some issues with my self-esteem. This has most definitely affected the quad as a whole since I'm feeling more needy and wanting more affirmations from people. I often come across as cocky and confident. Often I am cocky and confident. However, that is usually a clever ruse for my insecurities. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was about 14 and had a current bout of anorexia within the last year an a half. I lost a LOT of weight, and still look in the mirror and see no change. I know based upon the scale and my clothes that I'm considerably smaller but in my mind there's not much different. However, since I know that I'm about "average" now based on my weight, clothing, etc. I have decided that self-deprecation is important enough for me to focus on OTHER problems! Yay! So now, I am obsessed with my facial features and my oncoming wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc. etc. etc. This makes me really unhappy with myself...
I was raised a feminist. I've always been one and always will be one. My mother is a feminist, and though she seems to get more conservative with age, we were never taught to believe that a woman's worth was based on her looks. I have 3 sisters and no brothers. Our father was involved with all of our sports teams (he coached our summer softball for probably 10 years) and then coached from the sidelines when we played in middle and high school. We were expected to get good grades and there was never a question if any of us would go to college....we just would. My father has a PhD and my mother has a Master's degree. No one in my extended family didn't go to college and probably half of my cousins/aunts/uncles have graduate degrees. We weren't taught how to put on makeup, do our hair, wear pretty dresses, etc. When I went to college, I took a lot of women's studies classes, came out as bisexual, cut off all my hair and learned a lot about the struggles and inequalities women face in our society..... My point is, even with all this insight, the reflection and my positive role models, I still ended up starving myself to be thin. I've done it off and on for 15 years and I fucking know better.
Recently my bf asked me why I was struggling with my self-esteem lately and I didn't really have an answer....I just know that I am. I have two amazing men and one amazing woman who all love me.... You're lucky if you can get one person to love you the way they love me, and I have THREE! There must be something good about me... yet right now, I'm struggling to see it.
Huh, I didn't mean for this post to be about this... I was hoping to talk all about the awesomeness of our quad and being excited that we're doing family portraits this Saturday and will have professional pictures of ALL 6 of us! But, I guess this stuff is on my mind and the blog is a good outlet for that.
P.S. I'm at work. I've been blogging for a half hour instead of working. Hopefully I'll come back at lunch and finish.......if I don't get sucked into that other quad blog! :-) Happy Wednesday!
-Amy
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