Rejuvenation & Confession

 So, I'm feeling rejuvenated for this blog.... as you can see, I haven't written since April.  That's a pretty lame way to blog. Once every few months?  Unacceptable.  And a lot has happened in those months.  My husband left his job and decided to go back to school.  He is now home with our daughter full time, until classes start at the end of the month.  I'm extremely proud of him but know he struggles with feeling like he isn't "providing" for his family.  His father was pretty absent in his life, and his family struggled financially because of this.  He doesn't want that to happen to us, or our daughter...who shall henceforth be known as BB (short for her nickname).  Moving on....

I was recently doing some poly research and found another blog, written by a quad, starting in 2006.  I'm fascinated.  The quad was also two married couples.  The wives were best friends for years when they realized that they were in love with each other and quickly managed to incorporate their husbands and children into one big happy poly household.... I love that all 4 of them occasionally blog, though it's primarily the two women.  It amazes me that members of their quad have felt and experienced a lot of what members of our quad are experiencing now.  We struggle....this isn't easy.  We've all had our moments containing irrational, illogical, jealous, possessive, resentful feelings.  Sometimes those feelings are expressed outright to other members of the quad, sometimes we attempt to keep them to ourselves (usually unsuccessfully since none of us are too skilled at hiding our feelings).  


Recently, I've been having some issues with my self-esteem.  This has most definitely affected the quad as a whole since I'm feeling more needy and wanting more affirmations from people.  I often come across as cocky and confident.  Often I am cocky and confident.  However, that is usually a clever ruse for my insecurities.  I have struggled with eating disorders since I was about 14 and had a current bout of anorexia within the last year an a half.  I lost a LOT of weight, and still look in the mirror and see no change.  I know based upon the scale and my clothes that I'm considerably smaller but in my mind there's not much different.  However, since I know that I'm about "average" now based on my weight, clothing, etc.  I have decided that self-deprecation is important enough for me to focus on OTHER problems!  Yay!  So now, I am obsessed with my facial features and my oncoming wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc. etc. etc.   This makes me really unhappy with myself...

I was raised a feminist. I've always been one and always will be one.  My mother is a feminist, and though she seems to get more conservative with age, we were never taught to believe that a woman's worth was based on her looks.  I have 3 sisters and no brothers.  Our father was involved with all of our sports teams (he coached our summer softball for probably 10 years) and then coached from the sidelines when we played in middle and high school.  We were expected to get good grades and there was never a question if any of us would go to college....we just would.  My father has a PhD and my mother has a Master's degree.  No one in my extended family didn't go to college and probably half of my cousins/aunts/uncles have graduate degrees.  We weren't taught how to put on makeup, do our hair, wear pretty dresses, etc.  When I went to college, I took a lot of women's studies classes, came out as bisexual, cut off all my hair and learned a lot about the struggles and inequalities women face in our society..... My point is, even with all this insight, the reflection and my positive role models, I still ended up starving myself to be thin.  I've done it off and on for 15 years and  I fucking know better. 

Recently my bf asked me why I was struggling with my self-esteem lately and I didn't really have an answer....I just know that I am.  I have two amazing men and one amazing woman who all love me.... You're lucky if you can get one person to love you the way they love me, and I have THREE!  There must be something good about me... yet right now, I'm struggling to see it.  

Huh, I didn't mean for this post to be about this... I was hoping to talk all about the awesomeness of our quad and being excited that we're doing family portraits this Saturday and will have professional pictures of ALL 6 of us!  But, I guess this stuff is on my mind and the blog is a good outlet for that.  

P.S. I'm at work.  I've been blogging for a half hour instead of working.  Hopefully I'll come back at lunch and finish.......if I don't get sucked into that other quad blog!  :-)  Happy Wednesday! 

-Amy

Thursdays are for swapping.

Thursdays are for swapping.  Swapping houses, husbands and children.  I leave work and go to Kelley's house and she leaves work and comes to mine.  Thursdays are awesome.  It's a nice break from the monotony of home to get to go somewhere else and see other people you love.  I've been missing M (Kelley's daughter) something fierce lately, so it'll be good to get over there and see her.  I am also missing my bf.  On a side note, both my husband and Kelley's husband's names start with "J" so I'm trying to figure out how to refer to them in this blog, since I know for a fact, my J won't want me using his real name.  Anywho, my husband travels a lot and it's often at the last minute, so that means that often, house swap doesn't happen, which is usually a pretty big bummer since I think we all look forward to them during the week.  Yeah, um......I have nothing witty to say right now.  Lolz

Hello blogger's world!

Well hello.  One day I emailed my girlfriend and was like, "we should start a dueling blog....but without the fighting."  Two days later, Polyfidelicious is born.  A bit about me, and "us," but I'll let Kelley tell you about herself.  Me:  31 year old social worker with a 4 year old daughter and a husband of 6 years.  I live in a fairly conservative town in Michigan.  I've lived here about 2 years now, and prior to that, lived in Virginia for 4 years while my husband was in the Navy.  I have a Master's degree from the University of Michigan and an undergrad degree from Michigan State.  I grew up in a "normal" family: two parents who are still together after over 40 years, two older sisters and one younger sister.  This is the shortened version....on a side note, all I can think of right now is that scene from The Princess Bride where Inigo is like, "Let me tell you....no, it is too long....let me sum up."  That's my "sum up" I guess.

So, in the last year I've added to my family.  Kelley is my girlfriend, her husband is my boyfriend, and their daughter is, what Kelley refers to as my "daughter-in-love."  :-)  We met swinging.  Yep, we were swingers.  We had the sechs with other people.  

Speaking of "other people," my husband just came up behind me to tell me that he hates the whole concept of blogs....but he's folding laundry right now, which redeems him for being a douche.  By the way, I totally love my husband.  I don't love his douche-baggery, but we all have our baggage, eh?  

Anyway....since I'm currently sitting here waiting for Kelley to get here for our "girl's night" (which we meant to start weeks upon weeks ago every other Tuesday night so her and I would get some QT) I'm going to end this.  It's a bit random, but we'll fill in the holes soon enough.  Oh, and I shall be typing in this purple color....Kelley will probably pick a different color.  That will maybe make it easier to distinguish since this is a bi-blog. ;-)

-Amy